New Seasons

The thing about new seasons is that they are exciting and well, new. Some seasons are good...but many others are challenging, and down right hard. Yet, I know that in every season God has a plan. Though I can honestly say, that I have no clue as to what He doing in my life or why, half the time...I know that He loves me. There have been seasons where I was on the verge of losing my mind...you know, those seasons where you are right on the edge of reality and wishing you were (mentally, physically, emotionally) not in the moment. When we lost our son, Seth, I was on that edge. I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to be transported to another planet just so I couldn't feel the pain of our loss. Yet, one day, before the funeral, I find myself so full of rage and pain that I had no way of releasing it except by breaking every piece of glass in my path. Somehow I ended on the floor and I kicked and screamed, my dad and my husband held me down and all I could do was scream and cry. At one point I look up and from the corner of my eye I see my oldest boy, Joey, looking at me lying on the floor...it was at that moment that I decided to live on this side of the world. If just for him and my husband, I had to live. A day or two later, I sat outside and in a strange way, I thanked God for allowing it to be spring(my favorite season). I saw the purple crocuses peeking out and I heard the birds chirping as I sat on my back porch, trying to escape the stares from family and friends. I knew that this was God's gift to me...spring. It's as if He was saying, "winter is over, but spring is here." I learned so much during this season. I learned that even though I may not understand His plan, I can trust Him because He loves me. I learned that He loves me more than anything and that He wept with me when I wept because He knew how much pain I was in. He was my comfort and my peace. He was so good to me. I decided to stay here on planet earth because even though I did not understand I had hope that one day I would see my beautiful boy again. I would hold him and we would be together forever.
Though seasons come and go and some are good and some are bad...we have hope because God does live and because He loves us!
After Seth went to be with Jesus, we weren't sure we would have anymore children...but God thought different. Our Josiah was born two years later. And let me tell you, he is a true joy. A gift from my God!
Despite the season you are in today...know this...God cares and He loves you. And though you may not understand, trust Him. And remember. Remember how good he has been to you. Remember where He has brought you from. Don't forget. The same God that did all those good things for you in the past is the same God that will see you through this tough season. Don't give up and don't go over the edge. Choose to live.