Ruth Nieves

All I can say is that Sunday was a very difficult day for me...I just could not get into the realm of the praise. My body was in the House but my heart was not there. I kept asking myself, "what is wrong with you, Ruth?" "What's going on?" I couldn't shake it as much as I tried to sing and listen to the amazing words that were being spoken...truths that should have made me leap off of my feet. At one point I began to think way back on things that had been said about me and things that had been done and I became angry, all during the powerful time of praise. Can you believe it? The enemy had latched himself to me and would not get off. I knew right then and there that I was at war! At war with the spiritual realm. At war with the enemy of my joy and soul. I sat there stunned and fighting. And all week, I have felt such a heaviness. A sort of despair, that I have not been able to shake. Praying to God continuously has kept me sane. Knowing that this is a seas...

I must say that even in the small things and in the smallest of prayers, God answers. I am continually amazed at the fact that God is concerned about my smallest need and concern. Today, for instance, I took Joey to practice and he was in full gear...helmet, cleats, jersey, shoulder pads...pads all over. And it was hot! As I opened my red chair on the football lawn and sat, I could feel the sweat pouring off of me and I was in capris and a short sleeve shirt. I prayed. I asked the Lord silently in my heart to make the sun go away and make it a little cooler. And almost instantaneous, it did. The sun hid behind a cloud and a nice breeze began to blow. And all I could say was, "thank you, Lord." And then I began to think. And I asked myself(and God), "why aren't all of my prayers answered so quickly." And the answer came just as quickly, "because many times you ask with the wrong motive...Because sometimes my answer is no....because there is a purpose in wait...

Reading my last post made even me depressed. But, folks, even I can get down. And I am one that expresses myself best on "paper." There are some of you who are actors. And others write poetry and yet others can simply say what they are feeling. I usually think of my best lines long after the conversation is done. And then I usually want to kick myself for not saying the "cool" line. You know, like in the movies. Last night was a crazy night. Full of all sorts of feelings and emotions. Sorry that you all had to be exposed to it too. I guess that if I am feeling like that then maybe some of you have felt that way too. I am a pretty private person and to expose myself as such made me feel very vulnerable. I guess it's okay to be vulnerable at times. But God continues to love me through these crazy years...ever so patiently. So glad that "He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it." I am a work in progress. I have not arrived yet....no...

I guess it has been one of those days...okay, weeks. I have tried not to let it get to me. I have tried to pray it through, talk it through, see it through. And for the most part it has worked. God is truly wonderful and compassionate. As loving, patient and kind as ever...patient. But like Habakkuk I seem to be asking the same question again..."Lord, why?" So much tragedy and chaos in our world. Things seem so unfair. How does one continue? How does one go on? How does one survive? It feels as if there is always something lurking in a corner ready to pounce on an unsuspecting victim. It seems sometimes as if we should always be living on the defensive, living with the "understanding" that tragedy, illness, accidents, losing fingers, warrants, death, pain, tears are a minuscule , a millisecond away. And there is nothing that can be done about it. And yet, how can we live at peace? Can we run free? Laugh without fear or dread? Can we sleep without worry? Can we breat...